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Contra
IG Contra

Run time:

9:03

Season:

2

Episode:

3

Original date:

12 January 2008

Games:

Contra (NES)

Contra is the third episode of the The Irate Gamer show Season 2.

The long list of doublethink committed by The Irate Gamer can be seen here

SummaryEdit

Chris Bores reads 1984. Chris reiterates that co-op is the only feature that makes a game good. Chris Bores demonstrates his pacifist morality by shooting a gun at everything but not shooting aliens or big burly men. Chris tries his hand at making live action tv show plots but fails miserably since he is Chris Bores and he is also supposed to be reviewing a game. Chris attempts an impersonation with disastrous results. Chris earns high honors for redundancy. Drugs, aliens, guns and sockpuppets collide in this mind-numbingly flit episode of the Irate Gamer show. Also drugs.

High detail plot summaryEdit

Soviet censorship 8273

Many things about Irate Gamer have changed without notice and are expected to be accepted by double-thinking fans. The following is a non-exhaustive list of things that have been 1984'd: Irate Gamer lives with his mom, Irate Gamer doesn't live with his mom and they're 30 minutes away from each other. The wise sage will be played by the actor, the wise sage is now Chris. Chris must constantly make reviews or he will be fired, Chris continues to not make reviews and hasn't been fired. Chris's mother's name has always been Linda, Chris's mother's name has never been Linda. Chris was never inspired by the AVGN, Chris has always been inspired by the AVGN and hundreds of other people who never did a thing even similar to Chris's work.

The video starts up with a Photoshopped contra page with the two main characters replaced by Irate Gamer and the wise sage, though considering that the wise sage has been removed and is never coming back as the original actor; viewers will be surprised to know that wise sage's face was not edited out and replaced with a copy of irate gamer's face. It makes sense that Chris would not do that as the even Chris would find one extra Photoshopped Chris face as highly repulsive. Another possible reason that the Sage's face was left could be because Chris Bores is lazy.


A full half minute into the review, Chris finally starts talking about the game and lists one of its features. Chris assumes that Contra is popular simply because it had co-op showing that he is clearly a master of the demographics. Given the intended audience Chris should have addressed the fact that controller is required to play the game. Chris barely even begins talking about the controls or the actual gameplay before he starts talking about the guns the game has to offer. This of course leads to the audiences detriment when Chris talks about the machine gun, it cuts a skit where he waves it around as if he has issues expressing his feelings and screams "Take that you bitches" while proceeding to shoot no one. Hecklers may comment about Chris's passive aggressive tendencies. Chris notes that its good to get so many guns because he constantly keeps getting stuck with the rifle for a reason known as constantly dying.


A full minute into the video, without talking about the controls, the actual gameplay or anything even relevant to the
Mc Weed The boot Screen

The following sequence in this episode (and all episodes in general) is brought to you by the letter M for mediocre. Also DRUGS

a review of a retro NES game; Chris says “Even though this game is awesome, it still had it’s share of flawls”. Chris once again demonstrates that he simply pirates NES games as he doesn't bother to read the instruction manual. Chris confirms this when he says “First off, where’s the backstory to this game?". Chris states that players should care in a NES game that like the 99% he has played "about a dozen times" and knows all the "ins and outs" of doesn't have a explanation for its story in game. Chris says “I guess there could be answer in the instruction manual, but to hell with that. Whoever reads those things anyway?” noting that instruction manuals are for eating. Chris then acts out the memetic scene where he says “I can’t waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it!” and throws paper around as if he is at a strip club which attentive viewers may note that due to the Chris's lustful nature and THC induced stupor, may actually think he's about to have reproductive action (this would account for how quickly Chris is willing to ignore logic to play the game since he believes the opportunity for reproductive action will vanish if he takes a short delay). “Now, judging by the title of this game. I think it’s pretty obvious what your mission objective will be.” Chris says showing that he is clearly under the influence of drugs.

But I do wonder what transpired before this game even began?” Chris further elaborates on his state of intoxication. A scene where Chris is apparently at the pentagon... NO the more correct interpretation is a drug induced stroke. A drug induced stroke in the shape of terrorists annexing an Island in the pacific. Chris then says "“the 8-bit translation would look something like this.” showing that he is clearly serious about eating the manual and is desperately seeking medical assistance to retrieve the manual from his bowels.. also drugs. The animation that plays proceeds to piss off the non-existent audience and then ends because Chris finally admits his work is painful. Had Chris any merit as a retro gamer, Chris would have noted that the Japanese version of contra had cut-scenes that explained the plot but that would require effort.

Chris demonstrates his soviet levels of censorship when he says "whose bright idea was it to send in only two
In loving memory rip-12506

The disaster known as 'Chris Bores does an impression' resulted in 35 dead and 18 wounded. Never Forget 08/01/12

soldiers against a shitload of rogue terrorists.
" implying that his entirely made up story is believed by him. Audiences are left unsurprised by Chris's ability to indoctrinate himself considering his stupor and level of intelligence which is so flat you could use it for sitting. The audience's heckling however is short-lived as Chris says “Who’s commanding this operation, Gomer Pyle? Well golllllly.” wounding several members of the audience. 35 died in this incident now known as Chris Bores does an impression, there were 18 wounded.


Chris Bores having won the department of redundancy award cements his position as first place winner by saying “There’s a lot of enemies in this game” and "These upgrades turn out to be very useful” as well as "you really shouldn't watch my show, its not good for your health and if you complain I will harass you in my mother's account and my Batdamn impersonator account!". Armake21 is then plagiarized as Chris talks about the laser gun which he should have talked about in the gun section of his review and says “avoid it like the fucking plague” which attentive viewers may note that this the advice given to people who ask about the Irate Gamer show and fandom. Chris has suddenly taken Parkinson's disease as he is unable to let go of the shoot button to allow the laser to fire. Chris then does a skit where the laser appears in his room, he attempt to eat and absorb its nutrients but dies from its radioactive contents... Also drugs.

Chris notes that constantly pressing the shoot button is painful on his delicate non gamer
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Batdamn aka JabbaD'Hutski has recently started talking like Ladybuggin777 and also replying to comments referring to ladybuggin777. In other news because MrKillultra and Lasersquad stated the truth, they are apparently the same in Chris's mind.

hands. So Chris, despite the fact that he was already using a turbo controller in the laser sequence says he will now be using them (see soviet censorship). Chris says the game is hard and a montage of Chris attempting to evacuate his bowels ensues... Also drugs. A robed man appears when Chris finally gives up on actually using the toilet, tells him to use the code. “So what is this code you ask?” says Chris followed by not naming the developers and saying that the code is infamous (aka people hate it). Chris then notes that he doesn't have any friends because he's a 30 year old who has to pretend to be his mother and recently his loyal white knight. Wise sage then enters and does the unwise move of deciding to play a game with Irate Gamer. Irate Gamer says that the best part of the game is playing it with two players as he receives his department of the department of the department of the department of redundancy of redundancy award... a rare honor indeed.


Chris states that 2 player mode sucks because touching the bottom of the screen kills the other player and its bad
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According to Chris, there was and never has been aliens in Contra or any hints of there being aliens. Also AVGN has always been at war with Irate Gamer and Asalieri has always been a friend of Chris. Also... drugs

because he can't be arsed to co-operate and only progress when he won't get player 2 killed. Game Genie is clearly used. Six minutes after the audience should have changed the URL, Chris finally makes it to the end boss of stage 3 and notices that its an alien... the same one on the box art of the game. “Now wait just a fucking minute here! There are aliens in this game?” says Chris expecting the audience to find a plot twist that isn't a plot twist to be surprising. Chris showing that he believes his drug induced hallucination about the plot of the game says "What the shit? I thought I was fighting a terrorist war, now I’m fighting an alien war?”. Boy, I’ve been seriously misled” says Chris no doubt keeping in line with his piss poor parody status (attentive viewers may note that piss may actually have more value than this review and as such the words piss poor will never be used again and will be replaced with idiot). Irate Gamer then says the game never gets boring or repetitive to the audience who would note that this praise does not extend to the quality of Chris's idiot work.

Chris reaches the final level of the game using game genie since its clear that he should have mentioned the previous levels and says that the game is hard causing the audience to realize to their horror that they're still watching an Irate Gamer show episode. Chris says there is a lack of creativity for the final boss as attentive viewers will note the amount of plagiarism and outright lack of creativity in Chris's work. Chris then says the ending is lame and then another drug induced stroke occurs where Bores is informed that Aliens are coming and he completely accepts this despite his previous stroke being about terrorists. The clock goes to 9:20 in the style of hit TV show 24 reminding viewers what they could have been watching. The funeral for the victims of Chris Bores does an impression was Tuesday.

External linksEdit

Previous episode: Next episode:
Tetris Other Contra games

VideoEdit

CONTRA - The IRATE Gamer NES Review09:02

CONTRA - The IRATE Gamer NES Review

Notable flubsEdit

  • 1:01 - "It still have its share of flawls"

TriviaEdit

  • Chris believes that terrorist apparently have to be rogue and are not implicitly rogue.
  • This is the second time where Chris would demonstrate parkinson's disease. He originally demonstrated it in Mission Impossible review.

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